JOKE OF THE DAY
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RELATIONSHIP JOKES
It's not what you say, but the way you say it.On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."The girl was very flattered.What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
Two friends meet each other on the street. "Hello! Where are you coming from? " asked Bill. "Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law " replied Sid. "I'm so sorry! " said Bill, "But why is your face scratched all over? ". "It wasn't so easy! " said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight! "
What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah?" -About three inches.
What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off? Spit, swallow and gargle.
Is this really your third marriage? Sure is. What happened to your first two wives? They died.How did your first wife die? She ate some poisonous mushrooms.What about your second wife? She died from a severe skull fracture.How did she get a skull fracture? She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
1. Why did the couple go to the therapist? Because they couldn't agree on who should take out the trash - they were in a real duality!
2. What do you call a relationship between a mathematician and a poet? A duality of equations and emotions!
3. Why did the couple decide to take up synchronized swimming? Because they wanted to work on their duality and learn how to stay in sync!
4. What did the psychologist say to the couple struggling with their duality? "Remember, relationships are all about balance and finding your yin and yang!"
To Read The Strength Of Duality in Ebook Form, And Follow The Writer Click Here
RELIGIOUS JOKES
One day in Sunday school, the teacher was talking about Jesus is to the kids, "Bobby, where is Jesus?" asked the teacher. "Jesus is in heaven." replied Bobby. "Very good!", said the teacher. The teacher then asked a little girl," Where is Jesus, Emily?". Emily said innocently, "Jesus is in my heart!". The teacher beamed at little Emily and said, "How very sweet!!!". The teacher now asked Timmy, "Timmy, where is Jesus?". "Jesus is in my bathroom." he said assuredly. "Please elaborate, Timmy.", the teacher said. Timmy then replied, "Well, every morning my dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells. Jesus Christ, are you still in there!!!"
1. Why did the skeleton go on a 40-day fast? Because it wanted to give up "bone" appétit!
2. Did you hear about the nun who went on a 40-day fast? She finally broke it by eating a "holy" donut!
3. How do you know if a monk is serious about their 40-day fast? They've mastered the art of "fast"ing asleep!
To Read The 40-days Of Fasting in Ebook Form, And Follow The Writer Click Here
FOOD JOKES
This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!
Knock KnockWho's there!Butter!Butter who?Butter wrap up - it's cold out here!
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig? " "Which end of the fork, sir? " the waitress asked sweetly."
About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.
1. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing at Dooky Chase and got saucy!
2. What did the bread say to the waiter at Dooky Chase? "You're toast!"
3. Why did the chicken go to Dooky Chase? Because it heard they had the best "clucktail" menu in town!
4. What do you call a bear with no teeth eating at Dooky Chase? A "gummy" bear with excellent taste!
5. Why did the chef at Dooky Chase bring a ladder to work? Because they heard the food was "out of this world" and wanted to reach for the stars!
To Read Dooky Chase in Ebook Form, And Follow The Writer Click Here
MIXED JOKES
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad... " "What? " "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water? "No. You had your chance. Lights out. "Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad... " "WHAT? " "I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a drink of water?? " "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!! "Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad... " "WHAT??!! " "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water? "
A Lady was on a business trip. Since she was so tense from all the meetings, she decided she would go to the roof of the hotel she was staying in and sunbathe to help her relax. She went to the top of the hotel, stripped down, and layed face down on the roof. After about an hour of sunbathing, she heard someone come on the roof. It was the manager of the hotel. He said, " Excuse me, miss, but do you mind sunbathing somewhere else? " "Why?", asked the lady. " I'm on top of the hotel...nobody can see me!" " True", the man replied, " But you are lying on the sunroof above the dining room."
Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS. Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have some Fruit Loops. "Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old and says, "What are you going to have? " He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops. "
Fred: Where does the new kid come from? Harry: Alaska. Fred: Don't bother - I'll ask her myself.
If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don't scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
A dog is truly a mans best friend. If you dont believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! Its a frickin Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked. “Its a frickin Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
There was once a puppy called May who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were bigger than she was. One day she argued with a lion. The next day was the first of June. Why? Because that was the end of May!
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called ship-ment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
One day two blind men started fighting.Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife."Both men ran away.
"When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.""If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." "What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." "What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."
One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird." He went back to sleep. She came back later and said, "What's that furry stuff around your bird?" He replied that's "my nest." So he went back to sleep. She came back later. "What's those two things under it?" He said those are "the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird,and he said "ok." When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the hospital. He saw the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She said, "When I was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!"
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